Guilty..that's what I am feeling today!

I am wrestling a lot today with feelings of guilt about leaving my boys for a week while my hubby and I fly across the world to Hawaii.  I can't sleep good because I am constantly thinking up scenarios of the; "what if's" that go along with most trips I take without my kiddos. You know the, "what if my plane goes down in water and I am devoured by sharks and my kids can't even give me a proper burial, or "what if we don't make it back and my kids are left to live a life without us"  etc..you get the idea..but this is truly bothersome to me because at times i wrestle with the question of "am I being an irresponsible parent for putting myself in a high risk situation where our lives can be taken from our boys" and I have to say at times I think the answer is yes.

Don't get me wrong, I have left my kids to go out of town with my hubby numerous times and thankfully by the grace of God we have always made it back home to them.  But for some reason this major trip of flying on 6 different planes and going across the world (for me anyway) is making me nuts.  6 different planes=6 different possible plane crashes=one stressed and worried momma!  So u ask the question, would i feel better if i took my boys with me and that is a hard one to answer because I would never want my kids lives to be taken and I would gladly give mine fore anyone of them, but having had to go through my life with out my bio dad who passed away when i was only 2, i know first hand the scars that are placed on a child's life when they lose their mother and father at young ages.  My goodness, I buried my mom when i was 36 years old and it was by far the hardest thing i have ever had to do.  And yes, life does go on and we learn to live with the pain of loss and we compensate for our loneliness and our grief turns into acceptance, but I just do not want my boys to ever have to go through life while they are young without me and my input in how they live.  No one could ever love them like i love them, NO ONE!

However, that being said, after I have my neuritic moment, I try to remember that I have to teach my boys by example and if I want them to take risk and live a care free life then I must teach them that sometimes, even when life doesn't go like we plan, we still have to trust that in the end, our life is in the hand's of our Creator.  And really it wouldn't matter if i was sitting at home playing on my computer, if God said my time is up on this earth, then i would die from a heart attack, or lightening bolt strike that came through the computer, etc.  So I freak out and I remember that if i truly believe what i have always taught my boys about life, that I must go and have a good time with my sweet hubby who went out of his way to give me the vacation of a lifetime.  And I will and God willing I will come back home to my sweet angel babies that God blessed me with and then we will go on multiple family vacations together and live our lives to the fullest because that is good, acceptable, and pleasing to God.

P.S.  But since I am a realist I will do my usual check to make sure that my kids are raised by family and kept together in the event that God did call me home..any takers?

LOL