I mourned the loss of "normal" tonight!

As I sit here and type this, I am emotionally and mentally drained.  Please don't take the following content the wrong way, I need to vent and this is the only way i know how, do not judge me till you have walked in my shoes is the line I am pulling out tonight.  Why? you ask, because since 6pm, I have endured alot of torture from my 4 year old son, and I know how absurd that sounds, but it is so true.  We were having a pretty good day overall until I made him come inside and told him we couldn't go walking, and it all went down hill from there.  Of course the evenings are always rough anyways, usually 2 hrs before bedtime he gets whiny and cranky and most times combative, but when I am alone with him, it is like he senses my fear of him and he like a wolf stalking his prey and he uses my fear against me.  It started with him throwing his normal tantrum then it escalated into him throwing his green chair so i took that away from him and put it up, then he found a train and threw it towards me, so he lost that toy also, then it went from there to him kicking and screaming while I tried to calm him down and get him to eat his supper and work on getting him ready for bed. I was bound and determined to get him to bed by 8pm since he has to be up around 5am for surgery in the morning.  There is alot more here, but i am too emotionally drained to even write about it.

I dared to put clothes in the dryer real fast, only to not be able to find him when i came out of the laundry room and walked all through the house and finally saw the patio door was opened and saw him standing on the top of our fence looking over into the neighbors yard at the kids playing in the pool (I am surprised they didn't yell for their parents and have them call the cops cause this little boy is perched high on the fence all by himself)..yeah, that would have been an interesting trip to the ER.  So when I finally got him back in and cooked his dinner and tried to get him to eat it, he kept going into my living room and climbing up on my end table and just to be mean pulled on my blinds trying to tear them up. He has torn up so  many blinds when he is mad it's not even funny, you should see both his rooms.  I kept getting him down and trying to redirect him to eat, but he was having no part of it and just kept going back to tear up the blinds, and in the process of me getting him down, he fell on the floor and hit the back of his head and now has a nice goose egg on it.  I am so worried about him, he is so high risk for injury, just having to physically restrain him and handle him when he is thrashing, kicking, fighting you.  I am so scared I am going to hurt him in the process of trying to just change his diaper or give him a  bath.  He fought me for 20 mts in the shower.  He threw a toy at the glass and almost shattered our shower door, and that was after I fought with him, just to get his diaper and clothes off.   '

Then when I finally got him bathed and out of the shower, he fought me to put his diaper on too, so i just ignored him and left him alone and then i finally found a mickey diaper that he likes and talked him into putting that one on and he let me.  So then we finally get his bottle and get him in the bed, and I am praying that he goes to sleep, cause I already had to break out the clonidine to make sure he went to sleep and of course, as tired as he was, he refused to go to sleep.  So after him getting out and me putting him back in 20 times and me totally exhausted, he said he wanted me to rock him, so i did and he was out cold within 10 mts..ugh, wish I would have started with that first.

So why did I choose, "tonight I mourned the loss of normal" as my topic, because I have been crying and praying for 2 hrs and all the while going through this torture of not being able to control a 4 year old child has hit me hard! It hits me hard most of the times I go through these episodes, but tonight for some reason was when I finally said the things that I have kept bottled up inside, cause I have felt guilty for thinking them and guilty for having these feelings.  I mourn the loss of my ideas of how my life would be when i had my third child cause u see, I had this image conjured up in my head that I would have a little girl and we would go places together and she would be my easy child and I would just enjoy this last precious gift from God.  But then after finally getting pregnant with my baby girl, I lost her at a mere 9 weeks and to say I was devestated would be an understatment and I mourned for her tonight, like i never have before.  Then I got pregnant with morgan and didn't even know it but I embraced it and started early taking my levisin shots. To make a long story shorter, I had morgan at almost 26 wks and I am sure you all know the rest of my story, so I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say he had a long rocky ride of 134 days in the NICU before he came home.

So tonight I mourned my perfect little made up world in my mind, and I was hit with a hard dose of my REALITY!  I am terrified of my son, he scares me to death for many reasons and I can't stand being alone with him because I know it is going to be a full blown out battle just to get him to do the normal things that most parents take for granted.  Simple diaper changes are torture, if he is in one of his moods it usually takes two people just to get him changed.  Going to the store is out of the question for me on most days, cause he usually is so overwhelmed and has a major tantrum in the store, and let's face it, we all know how much we hate being interrupted while we r shopping by an irate toddler..so I try to avoid taking him anywhere.

And let's not forget the simple act of riding in your carseat, something I know most kids hate but usually reside to the fact they will have to do it til mommie says they can get out.  Not this boy, I do not even won't to go into details the torture we go through especially when daddy isn't in the car with us.  Me and my boys just about go crazy because we have to fight with him to keep him in that seat!  I have a car seat that you can tighten up the belt as tight as you want, so when he is in one of his moods and is fighting to get out I put it really tight so he can't get out, but then he litterally almost breaks his ribs and I am scared he is going to rupture his organs from him trying with every fiber of his being to get out of that seat, until I have to loosen it up and then he gets out.  I pop him with the flyswatter also and that usually ends with him shouting in the demonic voice, no mommie, u stop now"..which is kinda funny but not really.  So I mourn my perfect little fairy tale dream that I conjured up about taking my child with me, cause I have panic attacks when we  have to take him in the car with us.

I know that to anyone who reads this post you are going to judge me based on they way this post reads and it seems like I have nothing good to say about Morgan and that it seems he is mistreated and I can't say that I blame you one bit for any negative thoughts that you have.  I feel horrible for my thoughts and for the way I treat Morgan.  I have always been a screamer, always! But I have never had to psychically fight with my other boys, never! They new they could joke with me, but they knew if they ever crossed the line of raising their fist at me or kicking me, that they would pay dearly for that and I put that fear in them for a reason.  A child should never feel comfortable enough to assault their parents, cause when they do, the lines have been blurred and I believe it opens up doors to all kinds of rebellion and disrespect and I have never been one to want that for my boys.

But with morgan, it's different, because he doesn't understand the concepts of all of it.  He doesn't understand much of anything, and this worries me more than anything. So how do you tell a mentally challenged child to stop throwing things at mommy cause that is not nice and you can hurt someone, etc, when they do not conceptualize what that means?  Morgan is so delayed in his cognitive thinking that the lines are blurred not because I want them to be, but because they just are.  I never in a million years envisioned my middle aged years being spent this way.  Don't get me wrong, I love morgan with my whole heart and I am so thankful that he turned out able to walk and talk and stuff, but I can't say that I am thankful that the whole wiring of his brain was messed up because of his early birth and because of all the steriods and morphine that he had to take,  He is truly a one of a kind unique individual and I haven't seen too many 4  year olds like him.  I am overwhelmed by all of this and it just seems like he is getting worse and worse and I feel like a hostage being held against their will.  I wish I could have kept him in my womb longer, I mourn that healthy baby that I so longed for.  I am just still trying to figure out this new life of mine and trying to figure out what works to help him and what doesn't help him, and I have no clue on either, for once in my life I am clueless on how to help my child.

Do you know how hard it is to watch your baby suffer and him lash out and not be able to communicate what he is feeling?  This is by far the hardest road I have ever had to travel and I wish I had my mother here to help me navigate it because I feel so much more lost without her.  I am so sick of hearing people say, well he is fine with me, he just acts like this when you are around...but they all acknowledge that he is hyper and impulsive and talks non stop and his a handful.  Why does he act so bad around me? What do I do that causes this behavior?  I know people say I laugh to much and I am not serious enough, but i did that with my other two and they didn't act like this.  Why does he hate me so much? Why does he like to torture me?  He gets this look in his eyes that say, "lets see how mad we can make mommie tonight"  lol..i say that jokingly but is true.  I have truly never seen anything like it!  Anyways, I am exhausted and am tired of typing, so i am getting off her and going to bed, I have to be up at 5am to get morgan to the hospital by 6am for his 14 surgery and he is not going to be happy camper cause he already told me today that he didn't want to go to the hospital cause he doesn't like shots or IV's and he is not sick anymore.  Breaks my heart, I am praying this will be his last surgery.  Night everyone and be nice with your comments, I just can't take you telling me what I am doing wrong (which is usually not spanking him enough, bahaha) if only yall knew! lol..he gets way too many of those!